You are a redneck
1. Your dog rides
in your truck more than your wife.
2. You wear specific hats to farm sales, livestock auctions,
customer appreciation suppers, and vacations.
3. You have ever had to wash off in the backyard with a garden
hose before your wife would let you in the house.
4. You've never thrown away a 5-gallon bucket.
5. You can remember the fertilizer rate, seed population, herbicide
rate and yields on a farm you rented 10 years ago, but cannot
recall your wife's birthday.
6. You have used a velvet leaf plant as toilet paper.
7. You have driven off the road while examining your neighbors
8. You have borrowed gravel from the county road to fill potholes
in your driveway.
9. You have buried a dog and cried like a baby.
10. You've used the same knife to make bull calves steers and
You know your brother
in law is a redneck when you go to his house to visit and he
pulls his riding lawnmower out from behind the house and he
shows you the added features he has put on it.
- Am/Fm cassette
- A bucket seat
that he took out of the wrecked truck in the corn field.
- The cup holder
he installed.(To hold his beer can)
The spot light, to look for deer while mowing at night.
- And finally, the
alarm system he took off his truck because he is afraid that
someone might steal it.
In the back woods
of Kentucky, a redneck's wife went into labor in the middle
of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the
Since there was no
electricity, the doctor handed the father-to-be a lantern and
said, "Here you hold this high so I can see what I am doing."
Soon, a baby boy
was brought into the world. "Whoa there," said the
doctor, "Don't be in such a rush to put that lantern down.
I think there's another one coming."
Sure enough, within
minutes he had delivered a baby girl. "Hold that lantern
up, don't set it down there's another one!" said the doctor.
Within a few minutes
he had delivered another baby girl. "No, no don't be in
a hurry to put down that lantern, it seems there's yet another
one coming!" cried the doctor.
The redneck scratched
his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor, "You reckon
it might be the light that's attractin' 'em?"
10 Things You'll
Never Hear At A Nascar Race
- "None for
me, thanks. That Skoal will do a number on your teeth."
- "Hey, shut
up! I can't hear the race."
- "Dating your
own sister? Man, that's sick!"
- "Oh my, this
is a splendid Merlot!"
- "Hey, you
with the large chest. Out of the way! We're trying to watch
a race here!"
be a good lad and retrieve the Wall Street Journal from my
- "What a coincidence,
Hank. All my friends are boycotting Hooters, too!"
- "These are
even better seats than we had for the Lionel Richie concert!"
- "Whew! No
more beer for me, fellas."
- "And now...
Singing our National Anthem, international recording artist,
Some men in a pickup
truck drove to a lumberyard. One of the men walked into the
office and said, "We need some four-by-twos."
The clerk asked,
"You mean two-by-fours, don't you?"
The man said, "I'll
go check," and went back to the truck.
He returned shortly
and said, "Yeah, I meant two-by-four."
How long do you need them?"
The customer paused
for a moment and said, "I'd better go check."
After a while, he
returned to the office and said, "A long time. We're gonna
build a house."
study of paintings.
Benign......................What you be after you be eight.
Bacteria....................Back door to cafeteria.
Barium......................What doctors do when patients die.
Cesarean Section............A neighborhood in Rome.
Catscan.....................Searching for Kitty.
Cauterize...................Made eye contact with her.
Colic.......................A sheep dog.
Coma........................A punctuation mark.
D&C.........................Where Washington is.
Dilate......................To live long.
Enema.......................Not a friend.
Fester......................Quicker than someone else.
Fibula......................A small lie.
G.I.Series..................World Series of military baseball.
Hangnail....................What you hang your coat on.
Impotent....................Distinguished, well known.
Labor Pain..................Getting hurt at work.
Medical Staff...............A Doctor's cane.
Morbid......................A higher offer than I bid.
Nitrates....................Cheaper than day rates.
Node........................I knew it.
Outpatient..................A person who has fainted.
Pap Smear...................A fatherhood test.
Pelvis......................Second cousin to Elvis.
Post Operative..............A letter carrier.
Recovery Room...............Place to do upholstery.
Rectum......................Darn near killed him.
Tablet......................A small table.
Terminal Illness............Getting sick at the airport.
Tumor.......................More than one.
Urine.......................Opposite of you're out
If any of these describe you, you're a redneck!
You think that potted
meat on a saltine is an hors d'ouerve.
There is a stuffed
possum anywhere in your house.
You consider a six-pack
and a bug-zapper high-quality entertainment.
Fewer than half of
your cars run.
Your mother doesn't
remove the Marlboro from her lips before telling the State Trooper
to kiss her ass.
The primary color
of your car is "bondo".
You honestly think
that women are turned on by animal noises and seductive tongue
You stand under the
mistletoe at Christmas and wait for Granny and cousin Sue-Ellen
to walk by.
Your family tree
Your wife's hairdo
has ever been ruined by a ceiling fan.
Your mother has been
involved in a fistfight at a high school sports event.
You've ever barbecued
Spam on the grill.
More than one living
relative is named after a southern civil war general.
Your front porch
collapses and more than six dogs are killed.
You've ever used
lard in bed.
Your home has more
miles on it than your car.
The best way to keep
things cold is to leave'em in the shade.
The neighbors started
a petition over your Christmas lights.
is your uncle.
Your only condiment
on the dining room table is the economy size bottle of ketchup.
The rear tires on
your car are at least twice as wide as the front ones.
You consider "Outdoor
Life" deep reading.
You prominently display
a gifts bought at Graceland.
You use the term
`over yonder' more than once a month.
The diploma hanging
in your den contains the words "Trucking Institute".
Your mother keeps
a spit cup on the ironing board.
You've ever worn
a tube top to a wedding.
Your favorite Christmas
present was a painting on black velvet.
You think that Don
Perignon is a Mafia leader.
The most commonly
heard phrase at your family reunion is "What the hell are
you looking at, Shithead?"
You think that beef
jerky and Moon Pies are two of the major food groups.
You think that Campho-Phenique
is a miracle drug.
You've ever used
a weed eater indoors.
You have a rag for
a gas cap (on a car that does run).
You look upon a family
reunion as a chance to meet `Ms. Right'.
You have to go outside
to get something out of the 'fridge.
Your richest relative
invites you over to his new home to help him remove the wheels.
You've ever financed
You go to your family
reunion to meet women.
Your idea of a 7
course meal is a bucket of KFC and a six-pack.
You go to a Tupperware
party for a haircut.
You have spray painted
your girlfriend's name on an overpass.
You have more than
two brothers named Bubba or Junior.
Your father encourages
you to quit school because Larry has an opening on the lube
You think a Volvo
is part of a woman's anatomy.
You think that the
Styrofoam cooler is the greatest invention of all time.
You've been too drunk
You had to remove
a toothpick for wedding pictures.
Your lifetime goal
is to own a fireworks stand.
Someone asks to see
your ID and you show them your belt buckle.
Prom had a Daycare.
The directions to
your house include "turn off the paved road".
Your dog and your
wallet are both on chains.
You owe the taxidermist
more than your annual income.
You have lost at
least one tooth opening a beer bottle.
Jack Daniel's makes
your list of "most admired people".
Your house doesn't
have curtains, but your truck does.
You have started
a petition to change the National Anthem to "Georgia on
You call your boss
"Buddy", on a regular basis.
You consider your
license plate personalized because your dad made it in prison.
You have been fired
from a construction job because of your appearance.
You need one more
hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.
You need an estimate
from your barber before you get a haircut.
After making love
you ask your date to roll down the window.
The biggest fashion
risk you take is which plaid you'll wear to the 4-H Fair.
You have flowers
planted in a bathroom appliance in your front yard.
Someone in your family
says "Cum'n here an' lookit this afore I flush it."
Your wife weighs
more then your refrigerator.
You mow your lawn
and find a car.
If going to the bathroom
in the middle of the night involves putting on shoes a jacket
and grabbing a flashlight.
Your dog can't watch
you eat without gagging.
You have a Hefty
bag on the passenger side window of your car.
You have a very special
baseball cap, just for formal occasions.
You bought a VCR
so you could tape redneck fun wrestling while you are at work.
Your dad walks you
to school because you are both in the same grade.
Your wife has a beer
belly and you find it attractive.
You go Christmas
shopping for your mom, sister, and girlfriend, and you only
need to buy one gift.
You are still holding
on to Confederate money because you think the South will rise
You consider pork
and beans to be a gourmet food.
You have to go down
to the creek to take a bath.
You participate in
the "who can spit tobacco the farthest contest".
You roll you hair
with soup cans and wash it once a year.
You consider a three
piece suit to be: a pair of overalls, a plaid flannel shirt
and thermal underwear.
There is a sheet
hanging in your closet and a gun rack hanging in your truck.
You think the Mountain
Men in deliverance were just "Misunderstood".
You've ever made
change in the offering plate.
If the fifth grade
is referred to as "your senior year".
You consider a good
tan to be the back of your neck and the left arm below the shirt
You own at least
20 baseball hats.
You know of at least
six different ways to bend the bill of a baseball hat.
You can change the
oil in your truck without ducking your head.
When you run out
of gas, you put gin in the gas tank!
Three quarters of
the clothes you own have LOGOS on them.
You have 5 cars that
are immobile and a house that isn't!
Your gene pool doesn't
have a "deep end".
Your `huntin dawg'
cost more than the truck you drive him around in.
You'd rather catch
bass than get some (if you can't guess...)
You have a Hefty
bag for a Car/Truck convertible top.
You think that safe
sex is a padded headboard on the waterbed.
You own more cowboy
boots than sneakers.
You've been to a
funeral and there were more pick-ups than cars.
You have a picture
of Johnny Cash, Willie Nelson, or Elvis over your fireplace.
You just bought an
8-track player to put in your car.
There are four or
more cars up on blocks in the front yard.
The theme song at
your high school prom was `Friends in Low Places'.
It's easier to spray
weed killer on your lawn than mow it.
You've ever climbed
a water tower with a bucket of paint to defend your sister's
Your idea of talking
during sex is "Ain't no cars coming, baby!"
Your vehicle has
a two-tone paint job, primer red and primer gray.
The tobacco chewers
in your family aren't just men.
Ya have to check
in the bottom yer shoe for change so you can get grandma a new
plug of tobacco.
of slipping off her saddle.
Ya can't get married
to your sweetheart cause there is a law against it.
You celebrate groundhog
day (cause ya believe in it!!)
You've been on TV
more than 5 times describing the sound of a tornado.
You fish in your
above-ground pool, especially if you catch something!
When a sign that
says "Say No To Crack!" reminds you to pull up your
Helping your cousin,
Billy-Bob, move into his new place consists of taking the wheels
off his doublewide.
Your beer can collection
is considered a tourist attraction in your home town.
You wake up with
both a black eye and a hickey.
Getting a package
from your post office requires a full tank of gas in the truck.
Line Dancing" isn't a videotape, it's "Ladies Night"
at the local bar.
Your wife wants to
stop at the gas station to see if they've got the new Darrell
Waltrip Budweiser wall clock.
You dated your daddy's
current wife in high school.
You're moved to tears
every time you hear Dolly Parton singing "I Will Always
Dolly Parton reminds
you of the `Grand Tetons'.
Your Momma would
rather go to the racetrack than the Kennedy Center.
The most serious
loss from the earthquake was your Conway Twitty record collection.
You actually made
a pyramid of cans in the pale moonlight with Alan Jackson.
You have spent more
on your pickup truck than on your education.
You've ever hit a
deer with your car... on purpose!
You can tell your
age by the number of rings in the bathtub.
Your mom gives you
tips on how to sneak booze into sporting events.
You've ever parked
a Camero in a tree.
Exxon and Conoco
have offered you royalties for your hair.
Your dad is also
your favorite uncle.
You own more than
three shirts with the sleeves cut off.
You've ever yelled
"Rock the house Bubba!" during a piano recital.
were taught to put your underwear on yellow in front, brown
buy two CB radios so you can talk to yourself.